Some women, geez I dunno. Don’t get me wrong for a second, I love women, all women, I really do, but sometimes you leave me wondering ‘what the fuck was going through your head?’
On my recent trip home to Western Australia there was one particular skirt that really confused the shit out of me, but I’ll give you the story so you can decide. I have a rule with this blog and that’s not to talk about any one night stands, few day flings or girlfriends that I may have. But I’m going to break the rule to tell this story because, well its funny I guess.
So the first Friday night I was home I caught up with some friends at a pub in Fremantle, and have no doubt about it I was in for a big night, triple tequila and sprite with a shot of tequila in between drinks. I know, it is an unhealthy obsession with tequila I have…
Anyway once the pub shut we pulled up stumps and headed for Metros Fremantle, if you ever hear people speak of a ‘dirty night out in Fremantle’ this is where they were. We hadn’t quite made it to the line up outside the club when I was sidetracked by an idea, I can’t exactly remember why, in fact I can’t even remember taking my pants off, but before any of my friends had the chance to convince me it was a bad idea I was inside Hungry Jacks doing the helicopter.
It was only a seconds before the security had me outside and the police were asking me all soughts of silly questions like ‘where’s your clothes?” The boys tried valiantly, though ultimately in vain to have the police let me go and eventually I told them to give up through the small opening in the door in the back of the paddy wagon.
So the boys soldiered on towards our original destination when out of nowhere, a rather good looking creature finds her way to my mobile cell. “Excuse me, sir” “Yes?” “It’s my birthday today and I think you have my brother in the back…” I’m thinking WHAT? My sister is in Mandurah, it definitely isn’t her birthday and she definitely doesn’t look like that! Not to me anyway. “…could you please let him out, I promise I’ll look after him and we are going home soon anyway! Please?” “Nah sorry, he has a problem keeping his clothes on” “Yeah I know but please, he lives in Melbourne and I never get to see him” Ok so being a little bit of an opportunist I’m not even caring if she actually thinks I’m her brother, all I’m thinking is ‘here comes freedom’. A little more resistance from Mr Law met with a little more persistent begging from my newly adopted sibling and snap! I’m back on the street.
After walking far enough away to not be overheard by the fine constable, I introduce myself and thank my fair lady for saving me. “Blah blah blah I saw you naked and it was really funny blah blah blah and it really is my birthday and since I got you out now your mine and you have to come party with us blah blah blah”
Ok. My night just took a turn for the better, straight on the msg machine to the lads to let them know our destination.
Skip a few hours solid drinking, some kissing and more than a little dancing and we are back at Red’s house. Yeah she had red hair and I know what your thinking but don’t worry I didn’t catch anything. And it was the really dark red hair, look she was hot ok, let’s leave it at that.
Anyway, hater, I have to admit I knew she was married, yes I know karma and all that but I have a pretty simple view on people that cheat, they don’t cheat because they have fallen in love with someone else, they cheat because their relationship is fucked. So with that in mind if it wasn’t me it would have been someone else and since she had openly kissed me at a crowded bar…well her relationship must be screwed.
By this stage in the night, after the amount of things id consumed I was pretty scattered anyway and a few hours passed before id really even come to grips with what was going on when like a sudden case of Bali Belly, things went to shit!
It was all a bit of a blur but what I can tell you is there was some guy in the house and Red is bangin on something about it’s her husband and I’ve got to keep it down. HUH? Ok dip shit if you’re gonna cheat you don’t take your fling back to your place unless the old man is out of town. I started trying to pay attention pretty quick.
What happened next took even me by surprise. Red runs out of the room to intercept Mr Till Death Do Us Part, I’m stuck in the room trying to get me clothes on. I briefly looked at the window but the state I was in there was no way I was getting out of it. So I just sat there on the end of the bed and listened to what can only be described as the biggest verbal handball I’ve ever heard.
“Hey honey, you’re already home? I thought you’d be out all night for you’re birthday.” “Yeah I only just got home, hey, I think, I think there’s someone in our house!”
WHAT THE FUCK DID RED JUST SAY? I told you women confuse me. Now I’m fucked.
“What really?” replies the concerned husband and it’s at this point I’m thinking ‘shit I’m not in any state to fight anyone and he’s probably going to walk in here with a bat or a knife ready to roll’
Turns out old mate isn’t what I’d consider a man and isn’t keen to confront the ‘intruder’ in his room.
“Ok babe call the police”
If I was fucked before, I’m proper fucked now.
So it was somewhat of an awkward situation. I’m stuck in one room, too wasted to come up with any sort of escape plan other than to wait for the police. And them stuck in another room waiting for the police but knowing there is someone in their bedroom. It did cross my mind to walk out there and tell him what was going on but I think I decided it wasn’t worth the shit fight that would ensue.
‘Knock Knock Knock’ “Is anyone in there?” Great the police are here. “Yes” I replied as I got up and walked towards the far wall. “Are you going to fight if we come in?” “No, just hurry up” “Well we are coming in prepared anyway” “Ok” The door opened behind me and I soon found out it wasn’t standard procedure to get intruders to go and spread up against the far wall. “What the fuck are you doing over there?” “Umm I dunno” I really didn’t, what was I thinking? I went to turn around and he told me I might as well stay there anyway, he slowly walked over and patted me down. “Just like I thought, you’re not armed.” Straight out and not for the first time that night, into the back of a police van.
I’d sobered up a lot by the time the police were done with paper work from Red and her husband. They came to the back of the van and put it to me “Alright what’s your story?” By this time I was a bit over it all. “Look at me (collared shirt, jeans black shoes) does it look like I am out robbing houses?” “No it doesn’t, that’s why we thought we would ask, so what’s going on?” “Well I was here with her and he came home.” They cracked up laughing and it turns out I’d scored two of the only half smart police officers left in Australia. “Ok I’ll try get her away from him and ask”
A few minutes of joking around with the younger of my two captors pass and the older one returns, “Sorry mate, I believe ya, but she says your full of shit so we got to take you in.” Fair enough I suppose, old mate’s got a job to do so I didn’t argue and I knew they believed me when they took me out of the cage and let me ride on the backseat.
Back at the police station the lad’s were pretty good to me. And after about an hour the younger cop comes into the office where me and the old fella were talking about the footy “Hey Twisted Agave, Red just rang and confirmed your story mate, not sure why it took so long but your free to go.”
I’m not sure why either, as I said I love you women but you confuse the shit out of me!!!
Twisted Agave ~ Confuzzled Plant